I just want to bang on the drum all day

Embarrassing factoid about this blog: what got me started writing was a recent job interview in which my performance was something less than stellar. I blundered my way through nearly every answer. It didn’t do much good for my self-esteem. I was beating myself up about it for days afterward.

I opened the “Memo” app on my phone and began typing. All of my horrible thoughts and frustrations spewed forth in what became memo after memo (thanks to the word limit on each). I don’t know what I intended to do with all the garbage I wrote that day, but after sitting with it for a while I decided to start a blog. I’d had time to cool off, but writing about it all brought a lot of other thoughts to the surface that I needed some kind of outlet for. I still haven’t told anyone in my life about what I’m doing here. So far I’m enjoying the idea of writing for no one. I received a few e-mails notifying me that a handful of people have liked one of my posts, but for now this blog still retains that anonymous quality that makes me feel like I can say whatever I want without worrying about alienating people I know personally.

For instance, I think about God a lot, but I don’t feel comfortable inflicting my views on my friends or family.

Perhaps someday when I’ve built up some confidence, I’ll share this with people I know. The secrecy has allowed me to be more open than I probably would’ve been otherwise. I feel like it was good for me to begin that way. In real life, I have one major social media account that I use to connect with my friends and my family, and I don’t like for it to center around my problems. In that world, no one knows that I failed to get a job that I thought I wanted, or that my car hasn’t been running for a week now, or that I’m having problems at work. I don’t like focusing on stuff that might make people feel bad because I’m demanding that they feel bad for me.

Because I still feel lucky. I have a full-time job with benefits. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. I don’t make a lot of money, but I get by. The nature of my job allows me time to pursue many of my interests. To briefly digress, those things include but are not limited to: books, movies, art, crafting, music, Russia, Russia, Russia. Russian literature and Soviet-era films give me life right now. I’ve started trying to teach myself Russian. One reason I began looking for a new job was because my hours here are terrible and the only Russian language classes I’ve found in the area happen at night when I’m working. There was a class I was hoping I could get into that started in January; unfortunately my work schedule would not allow for that. I began using my desire to learn Russian in a structured environment as motivation for applying to new jobs. And I got an interview.

And I blew it! But it’s okay. A strange thing happened afterward: I received a very polite e-mail informing me that I did not get the job. That’s not the strange part–it was very much expected. A few days later, they e-mailed me asking if I would be willing to come in and help them complete a big job. I went in, and it was fine, and I’m supposed to go in again tomorrow. Now I’m on their payroll as a part-time employee. The thing is, I have no desire for a part-time job. I did the “juggling multiple part-time jobs” thing for a while, but gave it up soon after getting a full-time job. It simply was not worth it to me anymore. I was intrigued by this new opportunity though–it seemed to me like a risk-free paid trial at a job I thought I wanted, but didn’t get. Kind of like a look at what could’ve been. And it was only just fine. I do realize that my current struggle to find transportation to both of these jobs is having a slight impact on my potential enjoyment of the new one, but it seemed worth the trouble to find out what I had missed out on. I liked the work well enough. It’s not exactly personally enriching, but the day went by very quickly and it’s the kind of job where you work with your hands using a variety of materials not unlike those found in an art studio. My background and my degree is in studio art, so this was appealing.

But aside from the better hours and the tasks that are suited to my skill set, I didn’t exactly make a love connection with the new job. I also didn’t get a single break, so…YEAH.

I am going to try to enjoy the freedom I have at my current full-time job while I still have it. Maybe I’ll get into specifics in the future, like what it is that I actually do, but for now I am trying to retain this veneer of anonymity. For this post, it doesn’t matter what it is that I do. For future posts, it might be necessary to talk about it in depth in order for any of this to make sense. All I will say right now is that my job is just about the furthest thing from a passion project as I could possibly get.

On a scale of things I like to things I don’t like, my job ($) looks like this:

Things I like……Things I don’t care about….$…Things I actively hate

The dollar sign represents that I’m only in it to get paid.